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prologue:
Miriam stared at her mother, and the air evaporated her lungs. She clutched at her chest as if her fingers could cease her heart’s pounding palpitations. She tried to swallow, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t allow it. She was stifled, but somehow, she knew that she had to react. She had to do something—, but what? What was the appropriate action? What to do first? Too many thoughts clouded her reasoning, too many fears. Once the feeling in her legs had returned, she crouched slowly to the floor so that her face was not more than a few inches from her mother’s. She peered into her still eyes, lost in a moment of disbelief. Is this really happening? Miriam shook her head to free her mind of its own captivating confusion. This was no time to lose it, not now. Everything, every passing second was critical, resting in her hands. She reached out a shaking palm, brushed her mother’s thick, meticulously styled hair from her shoulder, and placed two fingers on the side of her neck, just like she had seen people do in the movies. She didn'’t know if she was doing it wrong, or if there was nothing there to feel, but she couldn’t detect the light thuds of a pulse. She didn’t feel anything but her mother’s cool, clammy skin beneath her fingertips. Just to be certain, she tried again, this time pressing harder into her mother’s neck, determined to draw some kind of conclusion--—nothing. "“Mom,”" Miriam whispered. "“Mother." …” She shook her by the shoulder, but her mother didn’t wake. Her wide brown eyes, glassed over, remained steely, her body limp. Miriam’s futile attempt to wake her mother was stifled by a single tear that she quickly swiped away with the same hand she had used to grasp her mother’s shoulder. She couldn'’t let the severity of the moment cloud her judgment. As she swiped her own face with her fingers, she felt a warm liquid smeared just below her eye, right above her cheekbone. When she checked her fingers for the source, she found them covered in blood. Shock robbed her of a reaction as she stared absently at the dark crimson liquid that had began to ooze from the back of her mother'’s head and onto the tiled floor, forming a slowly emerging puddle between her neck and shoulder. Miriam’s ringing cell phone snatched her from her thoughts. Startled, she stumbled backward from her crouched position and fell on her butt as she tried to regain her balance. The phone'’s shrill ring blared from her bedroom, traveling into the foyer, working as an alarm to get Miriam moving. Miriam hopped up from the floor, but she didn’t leave her mother'’s side. She stared back toward her bedroom, as if the phone’s ring was a foreign sound that she couldn’t decipher. After the fifth ring, it fell silent. The house that had been home to Miriam and her mother for the last eighteen years, now seemed eerily unfamiliar. It was bigger, darker, colder. The foyer, dimly lit by nothing more than the moonlight that spilled in from the towering windows, was illuminated in a dusty gray, like a classic black and white film. Her mother’'s body was the only thing visible as the moon'’s light hit her like a spotlight. Her blue satin nightgown, scrunched up to her upper thigh, clung to her body, revealing what once was the well-maintained shape of a forty-year-old diva. Her toned thighs rested at an awkward, twisted angle. Her arms lay by her sides. A decorative wall table and all the accessories that once topped it lay wounded on the floor. Broken glass lay gathered by the front door. Without the ringing phone, the house was too quiet. Every subtle sound was magnified as if a boom mic had been secretly and discreetly placed somewhere in the house. The soft whir of the ceiling fan in the great room accompanied Miriam'’s heavy breaths and made a rhythmless symphony that assisted Miriam in her immobility. She looked down at her mother again and frowned; somehow —the blood, her mother’'s corpse, her empty eyes--—it wasn'’t registering. No thoughts passed through her mind. She was as vacant as the rest of the house. Suddenly the phone rang again, jolting Miriam from her inertia. It’s bell-like ringtone, sending her into a frenzy. Then … it had finally hit her. Something inside of her awakened her awareness, and panic began to set in. “"She’s dead!"” Miriam paced the floor frantically, walking back and forth past her mother'’s body, ignoring the phone until she couldn'’t anymore. “"Shut up!”" she yelled down the hall as if her phone weren'’t inanimate. It was time to think and that noise was preventing her from doing just that. The tip of her bare foot grazed her mother’'s fingers and Miriam jumped back like she was rediscovering her mother’'s dead body all over again. A bolt of reason flashed inside Miriam'’s head. "“The police! I have to call the police!"” Speaking aloud to herself gave her brief consolation from the heavy silence that surrounded her. She turned quickly on her heels and raced down the hall to action. Once she’d reached her bedroom, the phone had stopped ringing once again. Pushing hasty breaths through her nose, she snatched it up from her dresser and dialed 9-1-1. She shifted her weight from one leg to the next and back again in a dance of anxiety until a dispatcher finally answered her call. “"Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?”" Miriam walked out of her bedroom and back into the foyer. She couldn'’t speak. "“Hello? Are you there? What is your emergency?”" Miriam opened her mouth, but her voice defied her as nothing came out. The dispatcher was growing impatient on the other end, and it was made clear in her terse tone. "Hello? Hello? Nine-one-one, emergency … is anyone there?”" "“Umm ... … ye--—yes, I'’m here."” The dispatcher sighed loudly. “"What is your emergency, ma’'am?”" "“Umm ...… my mother; she's ... … she;’s dead."” The declaration sent a gush of tears down Miriam’'s face, and she didn'’t try to stop them this time. The dispatcher, now more alert asked, "“How did she die?”" Miriam glanced at the .38 caliber pistol resting on the floor a few inches northwest of her mother's head. “"She'’s been shot. I …... I killed her."”
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summer 2012
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